Recently I was sick in bed and had the TV tuned to a Christian TV show. The Q&A portion of the show posed this question: “God hasn’t provided for me…I’m really mad at Him. Will I still get into heaven?”
As I lay in bed, the question did not sit well with me. I began to get frustrated thinking of my own circumstance and the circumstances of those around me. And in the midst of the most consumer driven season of the year I began to ask questions about 'provision'. What is it? Have I been provided for? What is enough?
I recently returned from a MAM trip to a Native American reservation in North Dakota, where although the government is giving monthly monies to the families, the children are living without enough food, without gloves or socks. Our host church had its final heater go out while we were there - in an area where last year there were 2 solid months where the temperature did not rise above -10! They can no longer heat the building where they lovingly meet the spiritual needs of this community, feed the hungry and give the youth and the children of Fort Yates somewhere to be.
Then I come home to my middle class neighborhood in Franklin, TN, where I see prosperity in many ways and yet face my reality of not having enough. My neighbors recently had to replace their heating system which has caused stress on their finances. And me, I am a full time volunteer, our bills have gone up $750 in the past 12 months and we are just treading water on our debt. It's hard to think about around Christmas time when I am trying to feel generous and full of holiday cheer.
It is easy for me to become overwhelmed and look around and wish my family had what others do. It is easy to say that we don’t have enough; that we need more. And sometimes, we do. Some months we spend more than we make and just put it on the credit card, because what else are you supposed to do when your heat goes out or your car breaks down?
But then I think of the children in North Dakota. The children all over the world who are starving, have no homes, no education, no parents even. And I am ashamed of myself. Ashamed that I am not satisfied, ashamed that I am jealous, ashamed that I don’t give more. But how can I? How can I give more and do more? When I need to feed my own family, pay off debt and pay bills. How can I do it all? I can do it! I have to cut back. Cut back giving, cut back spending…and I am again lost in ME. And the cycle of frustration is complete. Be conscious of my needs, become stressed and have anxiety about my needs, see the needs of others, be overwhelmed with the enormousness of the need of those around me, feel guilt and shame about my needs, try and find a solution, while finding a solution I become consumed with my needs… and the cycle starts again.
And I am pretty sure I am not alone in this... We are in this cycle because we care about the world around us. We see the need of others. But we see our need and feel hopeless to meet the needs in our families without even trying to make a dent in the needs of the world around us.
I believe our idea of provision is subjective. I see those who have more and think they could never have legitimate needs. And I look at those who have less and feel guilty that I don’t do more to meet their needs. Its all about my perspective. I look at my needs and compare them to the needs of those around me and use this as a scale to validate my spending or my complaining.
The idea that I am not provided for by God is kind of ridiculous when I think that even if I was living in a homeless shelter or a cardboard box on the side of the road, that is provision. Whether I am eating a free meal provided by The Salvation Army or a home cooked, organic meal both are provision. Every time I wake up to a new day on this planet it is provision. It is only my comparing myself to those around me and the provision that they have that keeps me in this guilt/jealousy cycle.
When I choose to ask God to be my provider I can be patient and wait on the needs that I have, I am grateful for all he has given me and I understand that what I don’t have, I don’t need - freeing me being envious of others. When I understand that God provides for each person and that ultimately we are each in the hands of a God who provides, it frees me from the guilt that I feel for acknowledging my needs and any guilt for having the physical gifts that God has given me.
When I see God as both my provider and the provider of those around me, if frees me to be grateful and generous. I no longer give out of obligation and guilt. I give to others not because I think I have to provide for them but because I am so grateful for what has been given to me and I give out of the joy and generosity of knowing that God is providing for others but I can be used by Him to facilitate that provision.
This holiday season, a time where we are pushed to compare ourselves in every area, especially in what we have; a time when we feel guilted into giving to those who have less; a time when we are tempted to be jealous of those who have more - let's remember to place ourselves and those around us in the hands of the One who really is responsible for providing. Let's remember to be happy for those around us who have much and to be generous with those who have little. And most of all, lets remember to be satisfied and grateful for what God has provided for each of us.
Christy Brooks is the founder and director of Morning After Ministries. She is passionate about every person knowing that they are loved, valued and empowered to make positive choices. Christy can often be found curled up on the couch, avoiding the cold, reading the latest young adult dystopian novel while snuggling with her young daughter.
