Lessons from the Relationships Maze

You have to have a boyfriend to be happy. 

Singleness is awkward and not fun. 

Guys are only attracted to hot girls. 

Everybody is having sex. 

Your significant other can fulfill your purpose in life. 

Divorce is expected. 

Your sex life should be as “hot” as porn. 

You have to be beautiful all the time in order to be noticed. 

A relationship is the end goal. 

Women are objects meant for a man’s pleasure. 

Random hookups are not a big deal. 

Buy this and you will get the girl.

All of the messages that the media sends about relationships are overwhelming but what is the reality - what does love look like? What is a healthy relationship? How do I act in a way that respects myself and the other person?

Here is a picture of what an unhealthy relationship (this is written for girls but works both ways!): Your boyfriend insults you on a regular basis (even if in a “sarcastic” joking manner), he is not supportive of your dreams, and he is jealous of your success. As a couple, you spend more time texting and talking online than in person. Your guy does not respect your boundaries or is unwilling to establish any boundaries for the relationship. You are trying to change him in a major way. You make excuses for his actions on a regular basis. 

A healthy relationship is one where both sides of the relationship are supportive of the other person’s goals and dreams. You may have conflicts but both sides handle the conflict in a mature way. For every negative interaction, the couple has five positive interactions. Your boyfriend is willing to do things that you like, even if he is not a fan of whatever it is. He does not just tolerate your weird quirks, but those are some of the reasons that he fell in love with you. Your relationship means that you both become more of who you were made to be.

Which of these is more appealing to you?

I am not coming from the perspective of “I am happily married and have it all figured out” but of the place of trying to navigate the maze that is relationships in the 21^st century. As I go along, I try to take in as much advice from elderly couples because they are the ones with the experience - they have lived so much more of life than me. If I get married then I hope to be a happily married 80 year old who still holds my husband’s hand when we go places. 

Here are some things that I am learning:

• Take your time when it comes to relationships. Marriage is meant for a lifetime so you do not want to take that lightly. You do not want to jump into the wrong relationship when the amazing guy for you is about to pop into your life.
• Find someone who is supportive of your biggest dreams and goals. Make sure you can be supportive of their dreams too. 
• Set your standards before you start dating someone. Know your worth and how you want to be treated by a significant other. It is much easier to form your boundaries before being in a relationship than trying to establish those boundaries in the heat of the moment. 
• Never compare your relationship to another relationship. All relationships are different so it is not healthy to compare with your friends’ relationships, or compare with your own past relationships. 
• Do not focus on your past or your partner’s past. It is important to talk about your past with each other but there is no reason to dwell on it. In order to have a successful relationship you must move on and focus on the present and future. 
• Know and love yourself first. I know this is cliché and you have heard it before but you will never be able to love someone else, or let someone else love you, until you learn to love yourself. 
• Cultivate your nonromantic relationships. Friends and family are the ones that will stick by you through the years of dating. It is important to pour yourself into the people you are close with and lean on them for support when it comes to the dating process.

Remember: You deserve to be happy. Never settle for anything less than being treated like royalty! 

Brigid Lindveit